A note: This joke guide orignally appear to celebrate one year of the Super Dojo - it is not to be taken seriously under any circumstances. ^_^
Essential Anime Scene No.1 - Air is Moving Rapidly
Be it the front of an approaching storm, the fearsome updraught of a cataclysmic conflagration or merely the shockwave of a small tactical thermo-nuclear device, at least one scene in any anime film MUST be windy. Ideally, the character will be standing on some lofty peak, fiercly backlit, maximising the potential for flapping cloaks and light flares. Skyscrapers are good, as are mountains. Or how about the wing of a 747, the hero stoically leaning into 500 mph head winds? Essential Anime Scene No.2 - Something is Surprising
96% of anime plots make no sense, jumping from a poignant confession of undying love one moment to hell spawned demon biting off a motorcyclist's head the next.If the viewers, the writers and the animators don't understand them, why should the voice over artists who dub them? To cover any embarrasing pauses that are caused by a particularly indecipherable sequence, all the characters go "HUH?" to show that even THEY haven't got the foggiest notion of what's occuring. It's become an accepted convention. Essential Anime Scene No.3 - She's Asking For It
Possibly owing to the many centuries in which Japanese women were second class citizens suddenly being changed within the space of 100 years, anime's views on the female of the species are best described as "mixed up". Thus, while scantily clad buxom babes ripping at each other's clothing is good, poor defenseless women being bashed around by 9ft blokes is better. Strange really. Essential Anime Scene No.4 - A Meaningful Debate
Of course, anime isn't just about terrorising innocent women, you know. To enrich the viewers' lives, or in an attempt to even out the gratuitous violence and misogynistic attacks (one or the other), anime films MUST contain scenes provoking thought. Read the assorted works of the world's spiritual leaders and simply plunder random passages from each. Stick a few characters in a cell or on a mountain for a scene and have them spout some of these musings - perfecto. Essential Anime Scene No.5 - An Allegedly Humorous Incident
Despite all you hear about East/West cultural differences not being as great as you may imagine, you need look no further for evidence than the fact humour just doesn't travel well. Anime humour comes in three basic forms - "Giggle, that's a nude girly" gags, "What the hell, everyone has fallen over" types, and slapstick. Slapstick a la Sam Peckinpah/Quentin Tarantino that is. People sprinting into unseen plate glass windows, smashing their teeth on table edges or getting their arms torn off is funny, apparently. Back to those East/West cultural differences it seems... Essential Anime Scene No.6 - A Vocal Conflict
Shouting is an important element in anime, but remember that it is not just shouting per se. Instead it is highly stylised and distinctly Japanese. Take, for example,a testosterone and amphetamine charged showdown between the evil Antagonist and the green-haired, large-eyed Protagonist. The shouting should take the almost haiku-like form of:
Essential Anime Scene No.7 - Glittery Watery Eyes
Identified by G-Man During almost any emotional scene - whether the character be happy, sad, excited, or swooned - some guy or gal's eyes swell up to a frankly alarming size and jiggle as if they're melting. The biological reasons for this strange retina effect have yet to be properly identified. Essential Anime Scene No.8 - Explode-a-mungus!
Identified by Violent Dave Violent Dave writes - Anything in an action scene that can explode - will explode! Cars! Planes! This bloke’s head! (see above image) If you’re a buxom lady than your clothes will conveniently explode off you. If you're being shot, expect your limbs, which you were damn sure weren't filled with petrol when you left the house, to explode everywhere. (Ed note - variations of this include the legendary "Blood at Extreme Pressure" flaw - as seen in Kill Bill, and some other things.) Even being punched makes your organs want to leave your body in a plume of unexplained light. It's amazing that anyone makes it to the end of some animes ^_^ Essential Anime Scene No.8 - It's Raining! It's Pouring!
Identified by Somersault Justice Somersault Justice writes - It doesn't just rain in anime. It pours. Usually it pours from a storm, in fact perhaps 97% of all rainfall in anime is as a result of a storm, which raises questions about the eco-systems involved. Anime rain is always heavy and typically either falls straight down or blows right into the face of our hero/heroine. (Ed Note - Often combines with Essential Scene No.1, Air is Moving Rapidly) The absence of more localised flooding as a result of this rainfall is attributed to fantastic drainage and/or wandering animals with unquenchable thirst for rainwater.
Well there we go, information has been disseminated! All that remains is for me to give credit where it's due:
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